plurality
last week i admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital. after a day or two of stabilization, i began speaking with the psychiatrist more in depth. for a long time i've had a strong feeling that i was never supposed to be prescribed antipsychotics. i had tried many times (the wrong way) to get myself off of them because no one saw it my way. that what was being diagnosed as depression with psychotic features, was instead dissociation presenting as psychotic features. i was in the right place, round the clock monitoring meant that if i was wrong, the right people would know and i'd be kept on the antipsychotic
but i was right
i've been incorrectly prescribed antipsychotics for 20 years. i was placed on them as a teenager while showing no signs of schizophrenia, schizo effective, or bipolar disorder. the closest anyone could get at the time was mood disorder NOS (not otherwise specified) because i had not and never have experienced mania (except while on abilify, go figure)
as my teens turned into my twenties. it turned into "over medicate emma so she is a good capitalist worker bee" it was simply never talked about, and i was in too many poor states to even question what i was being put on. it was work at all costs, and i still believed i was meant to be some other-worldly tech professional
as the 30s rolled around i was starting to learn what was going on, that much of my mental health had roots in multiple traumatic experiences. that my brain's way of protection was dissociation and repressing. last week i finally got someone to see it my way. my head is in such a more pleasant state, and in turn i was right again
i am plural
i do not feel i would meet a diagnosis for DID. my parts and i communicate internally (see my headspace post for how this works). they have no desire to front. i and one other part have experienced age regression. a few of them seem to catch a cold from time to time, while i have no cold. though i dissociate pretty heavily in my opinion, some of the bullet points i've read such as:
- notes being left by myself or alters with no memory of said note
- clothing being purchased that i have no memory of
i have no connection to or history of. personally i feel i align more with DPDR and i would meet the criteria for cPTSD
my parts and i share the goal of working toward a better life for ourselves. we want help, we seek to understand ourselves through healing. they're all pretty rad i have to be honest. we are all supportive of one another. with the antipsychotics no longer in the picture much of the noise is gone and all of us just feel much better
at this time of writing, they'd prefer little to no publicity. they'd prefer to work with my therapist along with me for the moment. but they are fine with posts such as these and headspace
the last week has been incredibly validating, infuriating, and emotional. i've learned and gained so much more understanding. there is still more walking to do, but i am confident more than ever. i am ready more than ever