navigating extremes
i often feel, and notice in my behaviors, i have two extremes. for the sake of this post i'll call them
everything is wonderful, absolutely, don't worry about the depression hole
it is all fucked it is all your fault, you are now extremely aware of the depression hole. but you'll be unable to do anything about it
there's no middle. there's no cruise control. i'm flooring it, if i get through corner one then it was all skill. if the tires break, the steering snaps and i put myself into corner two... well you can break this down to yourself so you should have known better. you've done this how many times at this point?
any way, not sure why i'd have cruise control in this racecar situation. probably what i'm looking for is to know the track so well it becomes muscle memory. oh hold on though, i can't race the track of life more than once (that i'm currently aware of). so there's a lot of feel in this. your ability will be pushed to the limit, other times it is a clean straight away. you can't brake to early, well actually you can cause you aren't really racing anyone. don't brake to late either though, well actually you can since you can talk to people who can get you back on your feet (unless you really brake late)
so i just remembered i have ADHD, and used to really love cars. back to the post
sometimes you just have to seize a chance to get a little further out of the hole. like taking a shower because you are in the bathroom already, might as well (shrug emoji)
so you've sparked action now, and you can remember you've been fighting this whole time even though you were so hard on yourself. scheduling appointments, working to make as much as you can be on your terms. with an understanding that you sometimes have to push yourself out of comfort, because you forgot you actually won't get eaten if you go outside
the following three songs played while i wrote this post
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OT9co0dEJfw&list=RDtzFOu8WpVs8&index=7
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHPi0qt26yg&list=RDtzFOu8WpVs8&index=9
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3OGnilnodNc&list=RDtzFOu8WpVs8&index=9